Are you f#cking Blind Referee!

Arriving late to the game I was sequestered to the colours and immediately noticed the ominous sight of Geir 'Pressure Pressure' and and Guy 'Hold Hold' both wearing green bibs. What fool let this situation manifest? Surely it is common knowledge that such a combination should not be permitted in the same way that Michael Jackon should not be put in charge of a naturist camp's creche.

Though havoc and carnage was anticipated it never manifest. Despite great talent on the ball these maestros all too often purveyed the scene in front on them and yelped frustration as they saw little option for a killer pass.

Plaudits must of course be issued and placed at the feet of a fabulous Colours defence which engineered this frustration. Barry 'He who knows where the ball will be and can play it out of defence' was in sparkling form and was ably abetted by an excellent performance by Piers. Rich was crucial at the back too and given the opportunity to head up front scored some cracking goals.

Going through the midfield we had the ever dynamic Tim who not only crossed the ball sweetly for some magic chances but was also part of a wonderful goal that involved a back heel from one of the new recruits (the Beard and red shirt) followed by a flick from Tim for the finish. Bravo and all the hail the flare and pizzazz of the Colours.

'Red shirt' had great confidence on the ball and some nice backheels throughout the game and was generous and incisive with his passing. For this game he had brought a friend, 'Grey shirt' who seemed to occupy the left hand wing. He too had some moves but could have benefitted from more frugal use of the drag back and more incisive passing. Nonetheless he engineered some good passes and scooped a few goals.

Marcus was omnipresent. he seemd to appear up front and then midfield and then on the goal line. In a quiet moment he relayed to me that he was worried about some of the stronger (or possibly clumsy) challenges going. With an imminent trip to Brazil for gender reassignment surgery and marriage to a billionaire primordial dwarf to consider we may not see Marcus for some time.

Upfront I suffered frustration myself at the hands of Shaughen and Momadu who seemed the stay tight on me for the immediate hussle if the ball came near.

The increasing spectre of foul play apparated again today with dodgey decisions in the eyes of the opposing sides being contested with vigour. Only moments ago, and in an effort to evade future problems, I purchased a FIFA trained Hawk. Though this technology has been abandoned by FIFA the principle is sound. The Hawk will circle overhead and when it spots an infringement it will call out in its distinct way and land on a member of the team that has won possession. Those feigning injury and attempting to claim a throw or goal unfairly will be viciously descended upon and have their scalps clawed until such a profusion of blood is ushering forth that all will realise that such blaggard-like behaviour will be futile and require the victim to become Sikh and always wear a turban to obscure the hideouness which will be the remnants of their rule-flouting scalp.

Hopefully, the Hawk, named Scalpy, will be available next week and will prevent the myriad handballs (soon to be called Joe-balls such was his tally today) that plagued today's game.

Overall the colours deserved the win and this they attained by a respectable margin of several goals. They didn't maintain a set structure, except in the defence, but the players moved and passed sufficiently well to get the goals.