SHOWER TALK: THE PASSION FRUIT ADDICT

Spotted ... Christmas Eve, in the Body Shop, sniffing on the Passion Fruit gel ... One Of Our Number. Clearly a few days away from the stuff had left the mystery sniffer gagging with an unquenchable craving.

He might call it Christmas shopping, but he had the panda-eyed look of a hopeless addict chasing his next Fruity fix. Football is rife with substance abuse, and now here it is in our midst, our own innocent little astroturf knock-about stained by the corrupted soul of the professional game.

A call to the Passion Fruit Priory has revealed that our mystery sniffer shows all the signs of being on his way to being the Norwich Gazza, the Body Shop Merson.

It has been noted how more and more of the Shower Gang claim to have "accidentally" left thier own gel at home, and queue up like little Golams to get heir hands on the purple pleasure potion.

Maybe it's time to switch the Grapefuit, or Begarmot?

Twas the game before Christmas

'Twas the game before Christmas, as we waited to go

Many players were stirring, even Tayo

The nets were hung by the goalposts with care,

In hopes that David Clifford soon would be there;



The players were nestled all snug in their positions,

Thinking ahead to their difficult missions;

And Chibb in his Croatia top, and Tim in his cap,

Had just settled down for a long ball over the top,

When out on the pitch there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the floor to see what was the matter.

Away to the sideline Daz flew like a flash,

Tore down the wing with such a mad dash.

The ball on the surface of the newly-lain turf

Gave the lustre of full time to half asleep smurfs,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,



But Momadu, ten minutes late to a sneer,

With a little old shimmy, so lively but shy,

I knew in a moment it must be our Guy.

More rapid than eagles his passes they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Barry! now, Rich! now, Pete and Tony!

On, Tim! on Tayo! on, Piers and no balony!

To the edge of the area! to the goal line!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away, we've not much time!"


And then, in a twinkling, I heard from the back

The celebrations of goals scored from Zak

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,

Down the pitch Darren came with a bound.

He was dressed in all colours, from his head to his foot,

And some great passes came from his black and yellow boot;

A bundle of opponents he had just behind his back,

And he looked like Peter Crouch just opening his pack.

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like Trevor Cherry!



He was tall and quick, a right old hard case,

But I laughed when I saw all his passes misplaced

Then a wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And shimmied right past Tim making him look quite a berk,

And laying his crosses onto Chibb's nose,

And giving a nod, up into the air he rose;

He sprang to his feet, to his team gave a whistle,

And down the pitch they all flew like the down of a thistle.



But I heard him bugger over, as he ran out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Banana Hammock Balance

Last Wednesday was an outstanding game from the outset. It was without doubt the fastest paced opening to any game I've played with the soccernight legends. We had about seven or eight-a-side and yet the passing accuracy and pace meant that the game had a auspicious fervour and excitement.

Having enjoyed such an enthralling spell I was apprehensive about the ongoing quality of the game when the talented youngsters arrived. My fears were unfounded as the festival of football continued. Despite ten-a-side the intesity was marvellous and the standard of football was glorious. The teams were well matched with sublime passing attacks. It wasn't all about attack, however. With Gerry and Piers at the back for the colours the onslughts were often repelled. Gerry was master and commander at the back and Piers manufactured some truly perfect interceptions and salient tackles.

Despite some beautiful football by Sonny and Joe's wonder goal, Man of the Match for me was Geir. In recent weeks I've seen Geir show frustration; his high standards are demanding and when his passing percentage drops below 98% he gets upset. On this night he was absolutely faultless. The accuracy of height, distance and weight were crucial in setting up several goals and its always great to see such a relaxed yet commanding performance. Regular readers will know that the secret to Geir's sucess resides in the subtle balance of his sizeable family jewels! I can only imagine that his lucky banana hammock was finally washed and he got to perform at his calibrated best.

The game was marred by Rich's knee injury which perturbed his excellence and vigour. He heroically continued and let's hope he is fully fit and ready for action this Friday.

Despite leading by two for quite a long time the colours lapsed in concentration and the greens snatched a one goal lead that ended up being the final result. I can in no way complain. It was a joyous game of football and well worth the 2 pounds I paid.

The Passion Fruit Diary

After a long day sipping Mammoth Blood beverages, eating grilled Sabre-Tooth Tiger burgers and inventing the wheel Billy's great, great, great, great, great grandfather realised that he'd worked up a musk that was beyond the tolerable threshold of even ancient female olfactory senses. Being of above average IQ for that era of humanity he understood that malodourous advances made towards Mrs. Billy Stoneage would likely end up with him in the spare cave having a wank instead of indulging in the ungabunga sex marathon he deserved.

From this dilemma male grooming was born. In his immediate vicinity several passion fruits were crushed, converted into a paste, filtered through Cheetah fur and stored in polar bear scrotums. Locating a water source Billy Stoneage applied his fragrance enhancer and washed away his toil-derived stench. Obviously the invention was a success as evidenced by Billy's existance today and the family tradition continues to the present day.

Those practicing personal hygiene after football will be aware of this wonderous tale as Billy shares his modern day passion fruit shower gel with those in need of treatment. Surprisingly, with this inaugural installment of the Passion Fruit Diary I must, with heavy heart, inform the readers that Billy has departed from tradtition and embarked on Grapefruit shower gel. I am hopeful that this malaise of choice with be self-resolving and Billy will return to the winning formula.

Enough on the aetiology of the title; what the feck is it all about? Well, the great sages of football, Billy and Guy, discuss the major points of each game while taking mutli-vitamins and smearing themselves in fruity smelling loveliness. The younger amongst us, including myself, add our own amateur insights. This shower talk is informative and humourous and so some little snipits are worthy of posting. There has also been a paucity of blogs recently and this is an opportunity to redress some of the absent praise of previous games.

The most important thing about the games that went without blogs were that they weren't that enjoyable for this blogster. I couldn't do anything right. I've tried to banish them from my memory but some people were at there heroic best.

Shower talk revealed that Chibb had enquired with individuals, incluing myself, separately to ask about the absent blogs. Admittedly, it must have been disappointing after his magnificent footballing prowess on Friday last that he didn't get his peer-derived admiration and write-up. Well, Chibb, many of the greatest heroes go unsung but we'll have your legendary performance posted on the internet for all the world to read. I apologise that it is too late for the FIFA World Player of the Year Awards!

Simply put Chibb outpaced the defense to score a handful of goals and not only that he was displaying wonderous skills and energy. He was tireless even to the last move of the game where he resplendently kept in the ball with a concomitant turn on the line and then, if I remember right, passed for a goal. Always a major contributor to any team that he's on, Chibb was scintillating in that game eclipsing the magnificence of Guy, Geir and the other Galacticos that always vie for Man of the Match. Post-match praise was unanimous for the display and hopefully Chibb can continue to treat us with such displays.

The other major discussion of shower talk was whether or not Davidoff Cool Water was good or bad. I backed up Stefan by pointing out that despite it not being the best smelling aftershave from the male perspective, it is a fanny magnet fragrance almost on a parr with passion fruit!

Good Footballing Friday

Right my first blog, now this won’t have the wit of Rich’s posts or the articulate edge of Darren’s but ill give it a go!!! (and ignore the battle ref on bottom of the pic..has no relevance..haha)
Despite the lack of bibs on Fridays game and the early fear we may have a headless turkey game ahead of us it turned out to be a very good organised game with some exceptional football on display.
The teams lined up 8 against 7 and for the opening stretch of the game with the non-darks made the extra player count by taking an early sizeable lead with Zak being the main man upfront causing problems in the darks defence and scoring nearly all the goals with some brilliant passing football being played. (Reports that Zak had eaten Weetabix for breakfast, lunch and pre-game dinner later proved unfounded). With such a lead building there were suggestions that the numbers didn’t add up and the game stopped for a Time-out to have a player recount and though the numbers added up it was decided the Non-darks would hand over a player……and this proved the games big turning point…Billy stepped up and changed sides and the impact on the game was instant. Suddenly the darks were bombarding the non-darks defensive line with Pete leading the front line and Dan, Tor, Tim & Billy making breaking runs from midfield. Now this was a real match. The Non-darks didn’t rollover however, Joe pulled in a dogged like performance and Darren put in a stern performance on the left and Barry was there to put his head on anything that came into their area (if a live grenade had been thrown into our area Barry would have been there to head it clear!!!) and the guy with Arsenal shirt (sorry don’t know name) was the rock at the back, very much playing in a Tony Adams/Steve Bould mould. Myself and Guy kept marshal in the defensive midfield. At this point the non-darks were putting some exceptional passing moves together that wouldn’t have been out of place at the Emirates and these would have led to more goals had it not been for the excellent defensive work of the rock back line of Keith and Shaughen and the ever present Tor and Tim for the darks. This match had turned into a real battle with no one wanting to give an inch!!
The match ended in an epic draw with everyone knowing they had been in a match!!!!

Also remember all…..You Play You Pay!!!!!!!!!! (£2 for all who are unsure).

Merry Christmas!!!!!